The First One

Old journals

Do I keep them or throw them out?  OR do you burn them so when you die there is no way someone could read your awkward conversation to yourself?

I have some old journals that are actually pretty cringey to read again.  I came across my old journal from when I was a teenager the other day and began reading it and it brought me back to that exact time of my life.  

I could remember what type of clothes I was wearing, how my hair was styled, what the room looked like, the posters on the wall, the paint color, the way the room felt, how it smelt, what my parents were doing, who I was spending time with....all the things.  

They may have been short little tidbits of my life at that point, but boy oh boy are they something.  If anyone were to read these, I think I'd die of embarrassment.

As years went on with these journal entries, it wasn't as bad, but I would still never want anyone to find them.  In saying that,  I've always wanted to begin writing in a journal again but I think I couldn't be honest in them and say what I want to say because what if someone found them?  It always circles back to that. 

What if I said something that was offensive or hurtful?  

What if I didn't say enough?

What if they just didn't like the things that I've said?  

That's why I haven't.....kind of sad isn't it?

I have wanted to just burn all the evidence of my life when I was younger but then when my kids ask me when certain events happened, I really have no memory of it unless I go back to the journal.  I had to ask my old friends because I couldn't even remember when significant experiences happened to me.  

What's that about?  Did I forget?  Did I just block it out so much that I have no memory of these things?  That's almost scary.  I'm not THAT old.  

My mom used to write her "journal" on a daily calendar with her job schedule, and what she did that day in ten words or less.  

My aunt used to write in a journal too with what she did on the daily.  These important people have passed away now, and their journals will have stories to tell about their lives.  The only difference is between their journals and mine are feelings.  

Mine have feelings as well as what I did that day and that right there is the hardest part.  Some feelings are good to share and keep and it also keeps the memory of that time alive.

 Anyways, I have to figure out what to do with them.  What do you do with yours? 

Sincerely, Nina xo